Humor

Just So Quotes

2012-01-06T22:29:00.001-08:00

I believe I found the missing link between animal and civilized man.  It is us.         -- Konrad Lorenz

http://www.ubiquit.us/retrohomepage/jsq.html

Every Child Needs a Pet

2012-01-02T09:22:00.000-08:00

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/1nMiAg/www.buzzfeed.com/burnred/every-child-needs-a-pet-281t

drunk in public-Ron white. Audio only.

2011-12-25T21:42:00.001-08:00

Check out this video on YouTube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4pTlCtUMvjs&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Catholic Jokes

2011-11-27T17:26:00.001-08:00

Jesus was walking along one day, when He came upon a group of people surrounding a lady of ill repute. It was obvious that the crowd was preparing to stone her, so Jesus made His now-famous statement, "Let the person who has no sin cast the first stone."

The crowd was shamed and one by one began to turn away. All of a sudden, a lovely little woman made her way through the crowd. Finally getting to the front, she tossed a pebble towards the woman.

Jesus looks over and says, "I really hate it when you do that, Mom."

http://fisheaters.com/jokes.html

The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, "You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?"

The driver is understandably hesistant and says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that."

But the Pope persists, "Please?" The driver finally lets up. "Oh, all right, I can't really say no to the Pope."

So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over.

The cop walks up and asks the Pope to roll down the window. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.

Cop: Chief, I have a problem.

Chief: What sort of problem?

Cop: Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but it's someone really important.

Chief: Important like the mayor?

Cop: No, no, much more important than that.

Chief: Important like the governor?

Cop: Wayyyyyy more important than that.

Chief: Like the president?

Cop: More.

Chief: Who's more important than the president?

Cop: I don't know, but he's got the Pope driving for him!

Finally, I have heard this one before ...

Cardinal Ratzinger goes running into the Holy Father's office and is quite beside himself. "Holy Father, Holy Father!"

"What is it my son?" the pope responds.

"I have some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first? "

"The good news", responds the Holy Father.

The Cardinal says "OK. The good news is that the Lord Jesus has returned as He promised!"

"Alleluia, Alleluia. Praise be to God!", the Holy Father responds "So what's the bad news? "

Ratzinger responds "He in Salt Lake City."

Mike Marino

2011-10-31T15:21:00.001-07:00

Check out this video on YouTube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Avw0n9b2o9U&feature=youtube_gdata_player

save the ta-tas Official Site | Breast Cancer Awareness

2011-08-21T09:49:00.001-07:00

I saw a bumper sticker that said "Save the Ta-Tas". I was quite
surprised by this.

http://www.savethetatas.com/

Has it come to this?

2011-08-07T23:26:00.000-07:00

Actual Size

2011-08-04T17:31:00.000-07:00

This has to be the definition of crazy.

2011-07-29T22:53:00.000-07:00

This is how I Feel this Week.

2011-07-23T18:07:00.001-07:00

Rearing Daughters can be a real challenge

2011-07-18T08:32:00.001-07:00

:-)

My daughter just walked into the living room and said:

--? "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent out my room, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV and stereo, my iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop."

--? "Please take all of my jewelry to Value Village.......? then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house?.

--? "Then disown me and never talk to me again."

--? "Oh yeah, and don?t forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother."

Well, she didn't actually put it like that... what she actually said was...

"Dad --? this is my new boyfriend, Mohammad.

Need some demotivation?

2011-06-08T11:48:00.001-07:00

From: Froelich
Subject: Need some demotivation?

You guys will LOVE these!!! LOL http://www.despair.com

Here’s a link to their posters: http://www.despair.com/lithographs.html

Duperman (Mad Magazine Parody)

2011-05-15T12:23:00.001-07:00

http://www.supermancinema.co.uk/superman1/general/media/mad_parody/s1mad2.jpg

Children say the funniest things!

2011-03-28T15:55:00.001-07:00

From: "Allan

JACK (age 3)
was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'

MELANIE (age 5)
asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'

STEVEN (age 3)
hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'

BRITTANY (age 4)
had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'

SUSAN (age 4)
was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'

DJ (age 4)
stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried when his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'

TAMMY(age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'

JAMES (age 4)was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget...

This particular Sunday sermon....'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'

Fwd: What is Celibacy :

2011-03-28T15:52:00.000-07:00

From: "Allan

What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, my wife and I listened to

the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the

things that are important to each other.."

He then addressed the men,

'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'

I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently, and whispered,

'Robin Hood -All-Purpose, isn't it?'

       And thus began my life of celibacy.........

FW: UPS Gripe Lists

2011-03-23T11:27:00.001-07:00

Just in case you need a laugh:
Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form,
called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics
about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground..

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief
search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.

Fwd: PASTORS BUSINESS CARD

2011-02-20T18:27:00.001-08:00

Begin forwarded message:

From: Geneva

   Pastors Business Card

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10..'

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.' Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'
Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones?
They still are!   Pass it on
'A cheerful heart is good medicine' (Prov. 17:22)

__________________________________________________________

Elderly Couple

2010-12-14T14:47:00.001-08:00

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.

After finishing their meal, they left the
restaurant, and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly
left her glasses on the table, and she didn't
miss them until they had been driving for
about forty minutes.
By then, to add to the
aggravation, they
had to travel quite a distance before
they could find a place to turn
around, in order to return to the
restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.
He fussed and complained,
and scolded
his wife relentlessly during the
entire return drive. The more he
chided her, the more agitated he became.
He just wouldn't
let up for a single minute.
To her relief, they finally
arrived at the restaurant.
As the woman got out of the
car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old
geezer yelled to her,
While you're in
there, you might as well
get my hat and the
credit card.

Gomer, Cooter & Stanley

2010-12-05T13:35:00.000-08:00

Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly .
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer.
The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunt camp.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley'
The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up .
Roll him over..'
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley'
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two assholes.'
'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen'em, but everybody used to say :
'There's Stanley with them two assholes.'

Lecture.... One of my new favorites...

2010-11-27T23:31:00.001-08:00

Saw it coming, but laughed out loud anyway...

Sent from my iPhone

algrotz wrote:

An
elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is asked
where he is
going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am going to a lecture
about alcohol abuse and the
effects it has on the human body."

The
officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this
time of
night?"

The man replies, "My wife."

Happy Thanksgiving!

2010-11-24T23:13:00.001-08:00

From: Mardawna Grover
Subject: Happy Thanksgiving!

Easy TURKEY RECIPE
>
> I thought this sounded good! Here is a turkey recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing ingredient -- imagine that. When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when turkey is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out.
>
> Give this a try.
>
>
>
>
> 8 - 15 lb. turkey
> 1 cup melted butter
> 1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is Good)
> 1 cup un-popped popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER'S LOW FAT IS BEST)
> Salt/pepper to taste
>
>
>
> Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush turkey well with melted butter, salt,
> and
> pepper.
> Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan making sure the
> neck end is toward the front of the oven, not the back.
>
> *After about 4 hours listen for the popping sounds.*
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> *When the turkey's ass blows the oven door open and the bird flies across
> the room,.... it's done.
>
>
>
> And, you thought I didn't cook...*

How to get through life.

2010-11-13T22:19:00.000-08:00

http://infinitysoft.wordpress.com/2010/10/09/how-to-get-through-life/

Ban The Internet, Save The Fish!

2010-11-07T14:41:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GOMhxgr6Bnk&feature=channel

Michael Jackson's Blackjack Strategy

2010-11-07T14:33:00.001-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7pyXkW8A6HI&feature=fvst

Fwd: Dog Lover

2010-11-07T00:12:00.001-07:00

From: al

You have got to laugh.

A dog lover, whose dog was a bitch and 'in heat', agreed to look after her neighbors' male dog while they were away on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep them apart but as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage as so frequently happens when they mate.

Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said

"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.

I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and be able to withdraw".

"Do you think that will work?" she asked

"It just worked for me" he replied

Shopping Monologue Part 1

2010-10-27T23:24:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jt4lsCS1MV8&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Be sure to see part 2. It is the best part...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JCxIQpYBkc&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Nice Rack

2010-10-24T21:21:00.001-07:00

What a Salesman! (Humor. Click here!)

2010-10-24T16:43:00.000-07:00

Blond on a plane

2010-10-23T23:45:00.001-07:00

Apologies in advance to my blond friends.

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO, WHEN A BLONDE WOMAN IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET. SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT CALLS THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND, TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

"I TOLD HER FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO.",

On getting older

2010-10-18T23:00:00.000-07:00

Sign fall

2010-10-09T20:24:00.000-07:00

http://img.chan4chan.com/img/2010-02-24/1267025904526.gif

Hi there

2010-10-06T11:23:00.000-07:00

O.K. I got 0.

John Coffey

On Oct 6, 2010, at 10:35 AM, Mardawna Grover wrote:

good luck!

New High School Exit Exam, you only need 4 correct to pass..

(Passing requires 4 correct answers)

1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?

2) Which country makes   Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The   Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?


Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass.

Check your answers below ...

ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years
2) Which country makes   Panama hats?   Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?    November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur
6) The   Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert
8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?   New Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?    Orange (of course)

What do you mean, you failed?

(And if you try to tell me you passed, you LIED!)

Pass this on to some brilliant friends, so they may feel useless too.

And today's story

2010-09-27T10:08:00.001-07:00

And today's story

The blonde was broke and desparate.

She knocked on the door of a doctor's house and said she needed money and would be willing to work for it.

The doctor asked if she would be willing to paint his porch. He would give her $50 to do it.

The blonde said that would be fine.

The doctor's wife said the blonde must be really dumb to do such a big job for only $50.

"Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" the wife asked.

"I guess so," the doctor told his wife.

A few minutes later, the blonde knocked on the door.

"All done," she said, "and by the way, it's not a porch, it's a Ferrari."

Commander Data, don't quit your day job

2010-09-19T21:19:00.001-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EsUke0g4ajQ

Strange Worldly Practices and Proof that the world is nuts

2010-09-19T20:48:00.001-07:00

In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. . He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than going blind!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for their first time.
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England- but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~ *

In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~

In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'

(Is this a great country or what?
Well, not as great as Guam !)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for these tests?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of ?)
(Did our government pay for this research?
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

And the best for last…..

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

Thank you all for reading this.
If you need to reach me in the future, I will be in Guam !

Fwd: pleasant and peaceful

2010-09-14T15:55:00.000-07:00

Begin forwarded message:

From: larry.r.trout
Date: September 14, 2010 3:15:03 PM MDT
To:

Subject: pleasant and peaceful

"Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome."

Isaac Asimov

http://www.quotedb.com/quotes/3351