Humor

Saturday, September 7, 2013

Saturday, August 31, 2013

Fwd: MAXINE...

I like the 2nd one.

I got a chuckle out of the first one anyway :-)

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Friday, August 30, 2013

If it is too good to be true...

Monday, August 19, 2013

Friday, August 9, 2013

Sunday, July 28, 2013

Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,

"Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ...."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that .... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,

"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

It's been lovely...

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Ha!

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Fwd: Why I Like RETIREMENT

Why I Like Retirement !

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Two hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.

Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal .

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

And, my very favorite....
QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.

SERENITY

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied....
'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented..
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked...
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

The nice thing about being senile is
you can hide your own Easter eggs
and have fun finding them.

I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to
blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I
got my leotards on,
the class was over.

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Cosco' the preacher exclaimed.
'Why Cosco
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'

THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the
difference.

Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!

Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing!

Friday, June 28, 2013

Fwd: The Last Nickel

The Last Nickel

VERY TIMELY!!!!!!!!!!!

Kind of puts everything in perspective.

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

"No," the woman replied, "I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."

Thursday, June 27, 2013

Fwd: Widdle wabbits

Begin forwarded message:

A precious little girl walks into a PetSmart store and asks,in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, where do you keep the widdle wabbits?"As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice

"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Fwd: Oo and oO

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time.

I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."

On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the

Small circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said,

'This is your asshole before prison..................

A little reality check from George Carlin

Check out this video on YouTube:

http://youtu.be/N5Up-k4Lho8

Friday, June 21, 2013

Fwd: Irish Birth Control

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she

met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' To ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan And
didn't I marry ye and yer Hoosband two years ago?'

She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'And be there Any wee little ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week And I'll
light a fertility candle for ye and yer hoosband.'

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father...' They then parted ways..

Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'
The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Two sets of twins and six singles, Ten in
all!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful! And how is yer loving hoosband doing?'

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.'

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