Sage Words

Sage Words

 

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.

– John Glenn

 

When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.

– Desmond Tutu

 

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

– David Letterman

 

I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. I'm a billionaire.

– Howard Hughes

 

After the game, the King and the Pawn go into the same box.

– Italian proverb

 

Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.

– Betsy Salkind

 

The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.

– Jean Kerr

 

I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.

– Zsa Zsa Gabor

 

You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.

– Jeff Foxworthy

 

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.

– Prince Philip

 

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

– Emo Philips

 

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.

– Harrison Ford

 

The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.

– Spike Milligan

 

Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.

– Robin Hall

 

Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.

– Jean Rostand

 

Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.

– Arnold Schwarzenegger

 

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.

– W.H. Auden

 

In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.

– Jonathan Katz

 

If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.

– Johnny Carson

 

I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very sceptical.

– Arthur C Clarke

 

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.

– Steve Martin

 

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.

– Jimmy Durante

 

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.

– Doug Hamwell

 

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.

– George Roberts

 

If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport

– Jonathan Winters

 

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

– Robert Benchley

 

Humor

Ever wake up in the wrong bed?

Humor

Persaverance

Mother Nature is a b....

Occupy ...

And ...

Biker

And to think the other day I left the gas cap off.

Quiz

Quiz

Puppy

Family man

Happens to me occasionally.

The LOST supper

Say yes to bacon

Fwd: MAXINE...

I like the 2nd one. 

---

I got a chuckle out of the first one anyway :-)

 

 

FREE Animations for your email - by IncrediMail Click Here! ►

 

If it is too good to be true...

Mother nature is a bitch :-)

When I was young...

Fwd: The Last Kiss

Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?" She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!" While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ...."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?" So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that .... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one. After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."   It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

It's been lovely...

Ha!

Fwd: Why I Like RETIREMENT

Why I Like Retirement ! Question: How many days in a week?  Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday  Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?  Answer: Two hours after he falls asleep on the couch.  Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?  Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.  Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?  Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.  Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?  Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.  Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?  Answer: Tied shoes.  Question: Why do retirees count pennies?  Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.  Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?  Answer: NUTS!  Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?  Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there. Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?  Answer: Normal .  Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?  Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.  Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.  Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.  And, my very favorite.... QUESTION: What do you do all week?  Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.  SERENITY Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied.... 'Two years older than me' 'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.. She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?   Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked... She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'   The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs and have fun finding them.   I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.   I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.   An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Cosco' the preacher exclaimed. 'Why Cosco 'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'   My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.   Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.   It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker. These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'   THE SENILITY PRAYER :  Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.   Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are! Always Remember This:  You don't stop laughing because you grow old,  You grow old because you stop laughing!

 

Fwd: The Last Nickel

The Last Nickel

 

 

VERY TIMELY!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

Kind of puts everything in perspective.     A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help. A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? " "No," the woman replied, "I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."

Fwd: Widdle wabbits

Begin forwarded message:

A precious little girl walks into a PetSmart store and asks,in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, where do you keep the widdle wabbits?"As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"     She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

 

Fwd: Oo and oO

 

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope. The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday." On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? " "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the  Small circle is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?" "Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your asshole before prison..................

 

 

A little reality check from George Carlin

Check out this video on YouTube:

http://youtu.be/N5Up-k4Lho8